


The Cobalt notebook

by Softchanty



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Royalty, Byun Baekhyun is an an asshole at first, Denial of Feelings, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Burn, Soft Park Chanyeol, au where they have their powers, mention of depression
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-17
Updated: 2018-03-17
Packaged: 2019-04-03 17:24:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14000949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Softchanty/pseuds/Softchanty
Summary: "- I don’t understand a damn thing today and it’s only the end of the morning.Fuck this life.Fuck me!!!”"Even I am not desperate enough to write ‘fuck me’ on a public book," Chanyeol wrote with his pencil on the bottom of the page.





	The Cobalt notebook

**Author's Note:**

> A special thanks to my wonderful beta Isabel Kim, she had a lot to correct. I'm trying my best but english isn't my first languge. I'll update every month, I hope you'll enjoy this. Good reading!

  

He had the same dream for the last two months.

 

The dream was of a boy who seemed to fall from the sky straight into the sea. He remembered all the sensations that he felt during his dream. It was like he couldn’t breathe; there was more water in his mouth than air.

 

He felt so insignificant, so small and helpless, surrounded by so much blue. He was feeling too much and he clearly felt like he was at the edge of having a panic attack.

 

Contrary to him, the boy seemed calm. He wasn’t fighting the waves, the ocean. It was like the boy accepted every single thing that fate had planned for him. It was as if he didn’t have any energy left: nothing to fight, no more purpose, no more goals.

 

Half of his head was on the surface, his mouth half-opened, and eyes blinking slowly. A sparkly white line passed from his forehead to under his eyes. The boy was beautiful. He couldn’t think of any other word to describe him; the boy was just the most beautiful human being that he had ever seen and he couldn’t understand how his fucked up mind had imagined and created this masterpiece.

 

He saw the boy blinking a few times before closing his eyes. He seemed in peace like this, free. His full lips were moving slowly, forming two sounds using a silvery tone.

 

“Chan-yeol.”

 

Instantly, Chanyeol felt like drowning and opened his eyes, finding himself in his bed. His heart was beating fast, and his breaths were hectic. He passed a trembling hand over his sweaty hairs to calm himself. He needed some time to know where he was, to remember he was safe...but was the boy safe too?  

 

He tried to catch his breath, but it wasn’t easy.

 

It never was.

 

Chanyeol felt like he knew the boy, but at the same time, how could he forget a face like his? It was unimaginable, no one would be able to forget someone as beautiful as him.

 

It wasn’t the first time that he dreamed about people he didn’t know. Their faces were clear in his mind for only some seconds before everything began to be clouded and blurred.

 

Once he dreamed of a young man who seemed to be under a lot of pressure. Chanyeol only faintly remembered his features, what was impactful about his memory of this man was that there was a golden plaque on his table where only “Suho” was written.

 

Another young man touched his cup of water and then froze it.

 

There was this little laugh too, but he could only remember crinkled eyes. The first time he heard it was when he fainted in PE in high school. He hadn’t eaten anything since the day before and running for more than an hour didn’t help him at all. He would have probably panicked if he hadn’t heard this cute laugh when he was seeing dark spots in his vision before passing out. And every time he was having a hard time, he could remember this laugh which would repeat again and again in his mind.

 

And lately, it was this boy. He could remember his face more precisely than the others but for less longer.

 

That’s why he wrote every dream he had in his diary. His therapist told him it could help him to understand his own feelings and what his unconsciousness wanted to say to him. He was doing it since he was 14 and he could firmly say it was shit. It didn’t help him understand why he was suffering from insomnia, why he was having anxiety, why he couldn’t forgive himself from what happen to his family and it didn’t even helped him control his thoughts. So no it wasn’t helping him, but he was still doing it after almost 7 years because it felt like he wasn’t giving up the idea that he could become a better person.

 

He was seeing the same therapist since he was 13 years old. His uncle forced him to see one when he had a call from school saying that Chanyeol didn’t go to school for a whole week. Not even an hour passed after the phone call and his uncle was already in his house, screaming at him and calling him things that Chanyeol would never forget.

 

His uncle was angry and he had every rights to be so, Chanyeol thought. His uncle lost his sister who he wasn’t on very good terms with and now he had to take care of her son. The same son who played with his friends when his house was burning. The same son who cried for a week without eating anything. His uncle told him to stop his caprices and selfishness and to think about other too. He was still alive but if he kept behaving like this, he would be better off next to his mother.

The 13 year old was shaking, looking to his uncle with his red eyes surrounded by dark circles as if he was seeing the man for the first time. In fact, it was the first time Chanyeol saw his uncle since the man left him alone in this apartment nearly a year ago. This man left him, because his girlfriend didn’t want to take care of someone else’s child He wasn’t “worthy enough,” Chanyeol heard her saying as if he wasn’t physically with them.

 

The same night, his uncle decided to place Chanyeol in the apartment that he inherited from his parents, which he was supposed to have only once he reached the age of maturity, and with a generous amount of money. He told Chanyeol that he would see what he was doing every week, but he hadn’t. He never did, until the day he knew that Chanyeol wasn’t going to school anymore.

 

Chanyeol tried to explain to him that it was hard for him to go to school and face everyone’s eyes. That he couldn’t take the pity anymore and that he couldn’t stop himself from hating himself. It was the last time his uncle talked to him, he only said, “I’ll pay for everything. Just, get some help and go to school. I don’t want people talking badly about you—that’ll only stain my name.”

 

Thankfully his therapist was a nice woman, who always listened to what Chanyeol said and even understood him when he was silent. She didn’t look at him with pity but something else.. was it admiration? She told him endless times that he was stronger than he gave himself credit for and that he needed to believe in himself to get rid of his negative thoughts.

 

It was easier said than done.

 

If only he wasn’t selfish and hadn’t left the house that day to play with his friend, maybe his family would still be alive. If he hadn’t stayed longer than he was supposed to, maybe he could have been at his house in time and helped his father save his little brother. When he was screaming from joy, his mother was screaming from pain of being burned alive. Maybe it was because of him that they weren’t alive.

 

He didn’t even remember when the last time was that he told them he loved them. He didn’t even remember clearly what they looked like. All of the pictures he had were burned in the fire and his uncle didn’t have any of his sister, because they weren’t talking to each other at that time. He didn’t remember what their voices sounded like either.

 

Guilt and self-hatred ate away at him slowly until he was in high school. He hung out with some disreputable person, he drowned his feelings in cheap alcohol and dangerous activities. He was falling deeper and deeper into the hole that he had dug himself. Back then he felt hopeless but at the same time he wasn’t trying anymore.

 

But the more he talked with his therapist, the more he remembered one wish that his mother had. She wanted to see him go to the same university where she went or somewhere even better, and to become someone respectable, someone she could be proud of. She always wanted the best for him, and now it was his turn to give her back what she wanted.

 

The best.

 

He studied so hard his last year; he did nothing else beside that. He studied when he was eating, before sleeping, in the bus. His grades didn’t just improve slightly but really drastically. This was how he, the only one from his region, got a place in the best university of the country. He was proud of himself that day, he didn’t pay attention to his throat tighten or how his heart was heavier in his chest. Since then he acted with the mindset that what he was feeling was going to pass, and he stayed focus on his studies.

 

He was a political science major. He was doing more than well  but right now he needed to read this book about how to lead a nation, even if he already read it twice and possibly could quote any passage like he was the one who wrote it. He liked the book and the way they contrasted the pros and cons of the different way of leading.

 

And today too, would be a long day.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

He rubbed his eyes with his palm and searched for a book on his desk, where more than 20 books (that he already read) were. It was supposed to be medium sized and very thick, not small like the one he had in his hands, which he put it aside. His eyes caught onto something that he never noticed before.

 

A cobalt notebook.

 

It was thick but not as much as the one he was searching for, and in the front **_‘BHH’_ ** was engraved in golden letters. Chanyeol was intrigued, he was sure he didn’t take this at the library and he didn’t know how it came here, on his desk. Maybe it was inside of the other books that he took and he didn’t see it?

 

He turned the first page and read loudly.

 

“Byun Baekhyun’s property. Don’t touch it. Even you, Sehun, don’t try to read this or I’ll seriously kill you.”

 

Definitely a weirdo wrote this, thought Chanyeol, how old was he? Twelve? Chanyeol knew that a twelve years old would never have such beautiful handwriting but seriously, he didn’t know what to think.

 

He needed more information about this book.

 

Chanyeol first read over some things before reading some interesting parts, so he began to read from the beginning.

 

“I know that I have to be strong, that there are people who depends on me and my decisions. I know that I can’t show any weakness either but today was unbearable.

Today is the day we lost him, my best friend.

They told me that ‘it has been almost ten years, let him go and focus on what’s important.’

They truly are hypocrites. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be alive and Sehun would still have a brother to rely on but who cares right? **Because feelings don’t help to lead a country right** ? ~~As if they understand what I feel.~~

Fuck them.

I can’t even cry at the loss of a friend because of them. I was so frustrated that I was horrible to everyone today, even Jongdae and I regret it. I’ll probably go apologize to him after... once I’m not a wreck.

I had a fight with Sehun too.

He told me he was worried about me..

This kid.

I don’t even know what I said but he looked hurt, and I felt like an asshole for hurting him today, as if he needed to deal with that too.

I’m so stupid and useless.

~~Kill me~~

I try my best but I can’t. I’m not enough, never was and never will be. When I was younger, I felt invincible because _he_ was there with me, beside me, and I thought it would be forever. I thought that my strength grew up as we grew up together. But it didn’t. We didn’t. We couldn’t grow up together because _he_ saved my fucking life and sacrificed himself and now I’m stuck here trying to survive and feel something.

Anything.

~~Why did he have to save me? It’s not like I’m really living now~~

I try hard to be there for Sehun, but I can’t replace him, nobody can and I won’t let anyone do it either. I’m not enough sometimes and I know it. When I saw the sad look on his parents’ faces I wanted to cry. They lost him because of me.

I miss him.

 

I miss him so much.

 

Every day, especially at night.”

 

Chanyeol was frozen during some seconds, it fascinated him. He felt bad for that person—he could literally feel that person’s pain. He read some more pages and it was almost always the same things, how tired he was, how he didn’t have any energy left, and how much he missed his friend.

 

This book was a biography!

 

He didn’t realize that almost 3 hours had passed and he had already finished the heavy book.

 

He read it until the last paragraph.

 

“I’m really gonna kill that little piece of shit!

He stole you!

He was reading when I saw him and he literally lied to my face as if I don’t know him.

I. Fucking. Saw. Him. Growing. Up.

Who the fuck is he lying to??? I can’t believe he did that. I feel betrayed and at the same time angry. Jongin was with him, he told me he tried to change Sehun’s mind but this little shit didn’t want to lose that chance.

He read you!

When I yelled at him he began to cry and I was really annoyed, because what the fuck? I’m supposed to be the one crying here! He just hugged me. I don’t understand a damn thing today and it’s only the end of the morning.

Fuck this life.

 

Fuck me!!!”

 

"Even I am not desperate enough to write ‘fuck me’ on a public book," Chanyeol wrote with his pencil on the bottom of the page. He wanted to leave a comment before closing it but something showed up.

 

"What the fuck? I don't know who took my notebook? while I was taking a shower but I'll break your bones if I find you. I hope it's not you, Sehun, I told you not to read it! If you ever try to read it again, don't forget I'll beat your ass so hard that you can't walk for days you fucker."

 

"What the hell? Am I that tired that I’m seeing an answer to what I wrote? I’ve never known a Sehun in my life but damn, it must be hard to be him if this guy threatens to beat him just for reading a book.”

 

"It's not a damn book it's my diary!!And who the hell are you and how can you see what I'm writing?? I'll tell it to the watchers!" The answer appeared almost instantly.

 

"First of all, I must be dreaming. There's no other rational reason beside that. Then excuse me but it's a damn book that I apparently took from the library and I should be the one who's asking what the fuck is happening here! Is it magic or high technology dissimulated in a book? And what is a watcher?” Chanyeol wrote furiously, afraid that he wouldn’t get a response.

 

“They’re obviously our guardians—they exist for maintaining the order, preventing and detecting crime, and enforcing the laws. Are you trying to be funny or are you trying to change the subject here by asking stupid questions?”

 

“I swear, never in my life have I heard someone use this term for that purpose, you just basically describe what a policeman does. And aren’t watchers people who keep an eye out during mafia traffic?”

 

“Mafia what? The fuck you’re talking about?” The answer was written in a hurry, and he was sure the person put a lot of strength on the pencil when he did it, because he could almost see the page under it.

 

“Okay let’s say you go to see ~~the police~~ , I mean the watcher, what are you gonna tell them? ‘Help me there's something appearing on my paper?’ Who will believe you? I can’t even believe it when I'm seeing it with my proper eyes!"

 

Chanyeol couldn’t believe what was happening, but he was really excited about this. He wanted to understand the system of this book. Was someone replying by using advanced technology or was it Harry Potter in real life?

 

"I’ve had this notebook since I was 14 and it's been 7 years since I’ve had it. So I think I should know what I'm writing into! what’s happening ?" The person has changed the subject, Chanyeol smirked, this was interesting.

 

"7 years and you still find places to write things? That’s not possible, it must be heavier than this then.  I don't know, you tell me, if you’ve have it since you were 14 then you must have a better explanation than me."

 

"Whatever I write disappears the day after, with some exceptions. It was a gift from my grandpa and he gave it to me because of that capacity. He told me it has something to do with the matters of the paper" the answer appeared after some seconds while Chanyeol held his breath.

 

"I don't believe you, you must be a wizard!" Chanyeol wote, sure that he found the reason.

 

"And you an idiot? I had my worst day ever and it’s getting worse."

 

"I understand you," Chanyeol wrote slowly. He knew what he meant.

 

"Understand what?"

 

"What you feel. It's the same for me. Whatever I do I feel like it's not enough and it's so suffocating that sometimes I literally can’t breathe.”

 

“You don’t understand.”

 

Chanyeol laughed humorlessly and began to write, hoping that the other one would read it too. He didn’t know why but he wanted the other to understand that he wasn’t the only one in pain and that it was okay.

 

If there was a single thing he understood it was that being hurt and feeling low was okay; it meant that he was still alive and still fighting.

 

“I know what you mean when you say that you feel powerless since you lost your friend, that you’ve felt lost since he’s gone. I can’t say it’s the exact same for me, but I lost my family and I feel lost too.

It’s like my universe was ripped from me and I was left with nothing, and people expect me to act like nothing happened. Like I wasn’t destroyed mentally and physically. They expect you to hide your pain to melt into the crowd better. They don’t take what you feel or what you need into consideration.

It’s just them and appearances which matter.

But it’s okay.”

 

Chanyeol stopped writing and took long breaths, it was so long since he talked about what he was feeling, so long since he opened up to someone. And here he was, writing to a total stranger. It was probably the FBI anyway.

 

“I can’t tell you that everything is going to be better but it’s okay. It’s okay to feel all of this and to feel like nobody can understand you. But believe me, I’m sure you are surrounded by people who truly love you, just try to rely on them more. They could be your strength.”

 

“They can’t. Nobody can. They can’t make me laugh the way I did before, I feel like I’m not myself anymore”

 

“You feel empty right? Only your facade exists, your true self was gone a long time ago,” Chanyeol wrote as if he was talking to himself.

 

He knew this feeling well, too well.

 

“Exactly. There’s only my shield left and I don’t want any one of them to notice that.. that”

 

“That you’re not the person they thought you were?” Chanyeol completed.

 

“I don’t want to disappoint them any more than I already am.”

 

“You seems like a… nice guy?” Chanyeol tried to compliment him to lift his mood, but he also read some sentences before that the guy wanted to kill someone so yeah. He wasn’t really sure if his words were honest.

 

“Are you just forcing yourself to say that I’m nice?”

 

“Maybe?” wrote back Chanyeol hesitantly. “You just wanted to beat the shit of that poor Sehun guy so, I’m sorry if I’m being skeptical right now.”

 

“You’re supposed to be kind” appeared quickly.

 

“Said who? I just empathized with you, nothing more.”

 

“You’re the worst, I was in the mood to talk about what was wrong in my life and you just basically told me that you don’t care.”

 

“First of all I never said that. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t have written something here. And second, I already know all of your life, if what you wrote here is true. What else do you have to say?”

 

“I didn’t come to write in my own diary to be attacked like this. I’m lowkey stressing right now, what the fuck did you actually read? Do you know who I am?”

 

“You’re Byun Baekhyun, you must be around 21 years old and your life isn’t as chaotic as you seem to think. You’re just extra but that’s okay too. I also read some things which didn’t make any sense but I’m not even surprised anymore. I’m writing in a book and the book replies to me, like, I’m sure nothing can surprise me now.”

 

“Whatever you read about me here, you won’t talk about it to anyone, is that clear?” It was a simple line, formulated as a question but it sounded more like a threat to Chanyeol.

 

So Chanyeol was trying to comfort a stranger, and now he was being threatened by that same person?

 

Great.

 

“Or what? What are you going to do?”

 

“Don’t try me, you must have heard what people say about me.”

 

“I’ve actually never heard your name once in my life, so your all scary manners have zero impact on me. Try harder and maybe I’ll believe you.”

 

“What? How is that possible? Where do you live? In a cave in the mountains?”

 

“You’re so full of yourself. I’m from Seoul, in Korea!”

 

“Korea? Where is that?”

 

“Okay, you’re joking right? I’m writing in Korean, how can you understand what I’m saying if you don’t know where Korea is? Are you from the north?”

 

“You’re not writing in whatever thing you said, this is Voxe.”

 

“Voxe? What’s that?”

 

“Exo planet’s universal language.”

 

“Exo what?”

 

“This is ridiculous, you’re talking like you’re ignorant. Exo planet! Our planet.”

 

“I knew you were a weirdo, I don’t know which manga you read and you think you are a part of, but **My** planet is earth, not Exo.”

 

He waited for an answer for more than 10 minutes. Nothing came. He sighed and watched the blank page. What happened? He didn’t know and he didn’t understand a thing.

 

Maybe he was on drugs?

 

“It doesn’t matter where you’re from, you’re the first person who understands what I’m feeling...”

 

“Do you feel alone sometimes?” Chanyeol wrote back, his hand shaking. .

 

“There isn’t a single day where I don’t feel that way.”

 

“From now on, you can rely on me. I’m not very good at giving advice but I can always lift your mood. Whenever you need me, you just have to write in this. I’ll always be there.”

 

“Don’t promise things that you can’t keep.”

 

“Until my last day, I’ll keep this book with me. I am a man who can keep his words, just say it if you don’t want to talk to me.”

 

“What if someone stole it from you?”

 

“Then we should have a signal, something that only we know. You said that everything disappears after some time right?”

 

“With some exceptions, that’s why you were able to read some parts of it.”

 

“We should write in it and if within a week the writing doesn’t disappear then we’ll cut the page.”

 

“Why would I cut a page of my precious diary?”

 

“You’re talking about useless things. We should have a signal, what should we say? ‘When I say hey you say oh. ‘Hey!’ ‘Oh’”

 

“That’s the stupidest thing I ever heard for a signal.”

 

“I agree with that, but you laughed right?”

 

“Didn’t even smile.”

 

Chanyeol did, and he was sure that person did too.

 

“I’m sure you didn’t. But seriously, we need a signal.”

 

“Why don’t we just write random numbers? Mine will be 4.”

 

“Then I will write 61 back.”

 

“Why not only 6?”

 

“Why not 04?”

 

“You’re tiring me,” was written before something else appears. “Okay, let’s do this.”

 

 

And that’s what they did every time they talked.

 


End file.
